The so-called “browser wars” can be a pain in the neck for good, honest people who just want to use the internet. And hey, those people are already using the internet - you’re probably one of them. Here are ten reasons why you absolutely should ignore those pompous freaks telling you to switch your browser for another (like me, for example).

1. You’re used to your own browser.

Those other guys don’t know what they’re talking about. If the user interface was more intuitive, there wouldn’t be a learning curve. Intuitive is what you already have - that’s as intuitive as it gets. If you already know how to do it in your browser, then it’s common sense that you shouldn’t have to relearn everything.

2. It gets you to the internet just fine.

All you do is check gmail anyway, and maybe look at a little bit of news here and there. But you can’t see why people complain about the browser you use - it works perfectly fine for you. Why should you have to cave into the demands of power users obsessed with ensuring that you see the internet “the way it was meant to be”? The internet isn’t some religious movement, it’s a picture on a screen on your desk.

3. Widgets / Extensions.

You don’t need them, and damn those people who think you need more features. What the hell is a “feature”, anyway? You know what a keyboard is, what a mouse is, and what the internet is. Everything else is magic and/or powered by a massive legion of scurrying lab rats those crazy physicists have genetically modified/hypnotized in order to solve the world energy crisis.

4. Advertisement blocking.

Ads are just a part of the internet. There’s no way to really block anything on the internet; what is there is there to stay. Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking you can somehow magically cancel out part of the internet. It can’t happen, and even if it could it would probably cause you tons of hassle to switch over to their fancy-pants browser that can do it.

5. Tabs are confusing.

Ever since they added them to your browser, they’ve been nothing but annoying. You never even use them. You may not even know what they are. And why should you? Opening up a new window works fine. Always has, always will.

6. Speed.

Your internet is only as fast as the connection you pay for from your cable or phone company. Browsers can’t possibly be “faster” than one another - it’s all the fuddy duddy’s lies attempting to confuse you and make you switch over to their program. Maybe they even want to give you viruses. Are you sure their browser isn’t a virus? Lots of things these days are viruses.

7. BitTorrent.

What the fuck is BitTorrent?

8. Change is scary - and dangerous.

Change is always happening, they say. It’s what moves humanity forward. Change is the backbone of our society. Isn’t it your duty to accept change? No, and don’t be fooled into thinking that it is. Their tactics will confuse you, nay, hypnotize you (like an energy crisis-solving lab rat, perhaps) into thinking that there is something better out there. Somebody needs to show them who has the will power enough to stand firm, even in the face of true danger.

9. Porn Mode.

If you don’t have it already, it’s probably coming in the next upgrade of the browser you already have.

10. Your internet time is precious.

Don’t waste it on someone else’s browser. Be your own person - stick with what you’ve got. I can assure you, you’re fine the way you are, and you should use whatever browser you bloody well feel like. And that browser is most certainly none other than the one you’re using to look at this article. Why would anybody use anything else? Your browser is intutive, gets you to the internet the way you want it to, and has no frills like those other guys’ browsers. Hell, other people should be using your browser. It’s clearly better than theirs, since you’re using it despite all of their whining.