A while back I wrote an article about HPV, or Human Papillomavirus. I mentioned in it that there was a vaccine in the works. Now, whether or not it is the same vaccine, it has been put to market.

I’ve been a bit upset about the hype that HPV is getting. HPV is not an epidemic, nor does it, at its stage, deserve the various commercials that now invade my television set more than the “Above the Influence” ads do. And when the ads come on, they’re incredibly cheesy and hyped up. The vaccine’s commercial, product named “Gardasil,” flaunts that with each vaccination there can be “one less” person affected by HPV.

As I sit there, I can’t help but think: Who the hell patents a vaccine and recommends a dosage? I’ve never heard of such a thing. To me, vaccines are one shot, and you’re fine for the rest of your life. When did a vaccine become an unreliable way to prevent a virus? They know the types of HPV, and they know what they’re doing. If the vaccine works, you’re injecting crushed virus particles into a person’s system and allowing the blood cells to, basically, “eat” the particles to get a feel for what to look for when the real deal comes along. That way, the body is prepared - but how can you patent a vaccine? The process is common knowledge. Even then, imagine needing to get vaccinated for the flu, when all of a sudden your doctor says:

“We have a choice of various vaccines for the flu. It ranges from [medical jargon] to [medical jargon] to [medical jargon], and each has their own side effects. One is taken orally and tastes rather fruity. None of these are guaranteed to protect you from the flu.”

How much would that suck? After seeing this commercial for Gardasil, I bet it’s already happening. I bet other people are just dying to make ripoff vaccines once the patent goes away. Chances are, Gardasil is going to reel in a lot of cash. Since it’s a vaccine, every woman in the world is going to want to use it. Since it’s the only vaccine, they’ll have to. But even then, why would you monopolize a vaccine, much less give it a brand name? I’d like to see a world where we can be content just having the “HPV vaccine.”

To the company manufacturing Gardasil, and to all other HPV-hyping companies, and to all the sorry bitches who had too much sex and got this disease: Gardasil, stop making commercials that will make every woman in the world think that they have HPV. Other companies do the same. Women who had sex too much and regret it… well, I suppose it’s time to stop getting freaky with that boyfriend of yours (and get Gardasil?). This is not a disease that deserve a hype greater than AIDS or smoking. In fact, I’m honestly can’t believe why I’d see more ads for the super-amazing Gardasil than I would for those “truth about smoking” ads or the “above the influence” ads.

“Doctor, I think I might get HPV in the future.”

“Well then, I’d like to recommend Gardasil to you.”

“What the heck is that?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Should I have said, ‘I’d like to vaccinate you for HPV’ instead?”